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How to navigate a threesome

Most people who have the smallest amount of curiosity in exploring sexual boundaries have fantasized about the idea of having a threesome. Glorified in media, and entertainment, the concept of having sex with more than one partner has primarily been directed to a straight male audience. None the less, the idea of a threeway is projected as a sexual credential that is desirable to obtain. 

The concept of threesomes is documented in nearly every civilized society throughout the ages. From Shunga style art in Japanese culture that araised in the 18th and 19th centuries. Through to the renaissance of romance in 1300 – 1600 and as far back as Ancient Greek culture. I would argue the topic of conversation around the art of threesomes is fair more taboo now then it was in ancient times. 

As you can see, Sexual intercourse between three people has been given the green light and viewed as a heightened sexual experience that can deliver you to the ends of your pleasure threshold.

So if the idea of threeway intercourse is highly romanticized, why are we not all sharing our threesome experiences?


Jennifer Bass of the Kinsey Institute in Indiana, stated in a New York Times article, "We just don't have good data" on how many Americans have tried this sexual act. The fact is it isn't very challenging to gauge the regularity of this sexual practice, and this says a lot about why few people talk about the realities of planning, executing, and navigating a threesome. Outside of the queer community, that is slightly more sexually liberated than the status quo, and the few heterosexuals that are particularly experimental. Threesomes are not as common as you may think. This allusive persona adds to the mystique of the sex act, making it feel all the more naughty and experimental. 

The reality is that a threesome is not always as erotic and mind-blowing as you might think. Hell, sex is difficult enough to navigate with two people, adding a third can feel like solving an advance algebra equation. 

However, if you do find your self looking to tick this box on your sexual bucket list, I have a few notes on how to navigate this complex but highly enjoyable sexual act. 

Disclaimer: I am writing purely from a Gay man's point of view, and as someone who has only engaged in threeways between men; however, I feel the lessons cross over. 

Consent and Safety

In 2020 I would hope this goes without saying, all parties need to give consent to ALL sexual activities. There is a difference between saying yes to sexual intercourse and getting into some heavy BDMS play. If someone crosses your boundaries, you have every right to voice your feelings and leave the situation if needed. You owe nothing to the people in the room and should never feel pressured during sexual activities, one on one, or in a threesome. PERIOD. 

Once everyone has established consent, time to talk safety. Safe sex is always the process in three ways, there is a lot of sharing in this practice, and you want to eliminate as many issues as possible. The golden rule is, if something is going in, wrap it,  and its a one and done deal — no double-dipping between partners. So make sure you buy a large pack of condoms (male or women preferred, users choice) before you head into the bedroom. 

Finally lu-bri-cation, I don't care what any guy says, spit never cuts it. Use Lubricate and bring your preferred brand/type. Nothing worse than reacting to some else's pour excuse of the ideal lubricates. 

Know the Dynamic

The dynamics of the people involved largely dictate the pleasurable outcome of a threeway. Therefore, it's a good idea to have an understanding of the connection between the parties involved. I could write a whole article on this alone, but here are the cliff notes. 

All strangers

Go at it, go for gold.  In this situation, you're off the hook when it comes to emotional connection. In my point of view, this is the best type of threesome. All parties involved are there for a good time, not a long time. There are no preconceived ideas or prejudice in this situation. As long as everyone is consensual in the act,  it can be one of the most exhilarating sexual experiences. 

Plus One

As someone who has spent the majority of my adult life single, I have found myself in this situation many times before. If you're the plus one, entering a couple dynamic, there are a few things to keep in mind. 

  • They have history: They already have a long sexual history, dah, they are a couple. But what this means fo you, as the plus one, is you may feel as if you're behind the eight balls when it comes to intimacy, or you may not be in tune with their understanding of sexual pleasure. 
  • It might not work: Many couples branch out into threesomes as a way to spice up their love life or relight a flickering flame. As a result, the plus to the equation, at times, can come across difficulties. In some situations, you're viewed as a 'play-thing' rather than a real person. You can clock this behavior when the couple becomes overly dominate in the practice, or if they originate all the action of pleasure to benefit them, rather than everyone. Other times you might experience a dynamic where one person is far more into the threesome than the other. You can tell this by how unwilling one half of the couple is to be involved in the practice. You can do your best to ensure the resistant person, but don't feel the need to play 'therapist' in this situation. Both positions can be very uncomfortable, and sometimes you might just have to call it quits. If this happens, don't let the rejection cripple your ego; it is most likely an issue internally rather than an outside influence. 
  • The perfect equation: If you struck gold and interact with a couple that is generally open to the idea of a threeway, enjoy the process while allowing the couple to explore their sexual needs. You get to leave at the end, while they have to sleep in the bed together afterward. Make sure they gain from experience just as much as you.  
Doing it with a Friend

I would be very hesitant to step into the realm of threeway intercourse with a friend. Your friends for a reason, because you're not in the realm of sexual pleasure. Crossing this boundary, even in the frame of a threesome, may lead to some very awkward happenings, as your dynamic shifts to a weird middle ground between friends and lovers. It's hard to correct this once intimacy is shared, so examine if this relationship is right for this practice. If you feel it will be, then communicate everything before the act. Make sure you're both on the same page.

The Couple  

I can't thoroughly comment on this dynamic as I have never been a part of a couple in a threesome. But from the plus-one perspective, make sure you are inviting and open to the person entering your playtime. Remember, you invited  them, and it's your responsibility to include the new party in the process. Also, just understand they are a person and not a sex toy; you can enjoy us as such. If you feel as if there are any issues or the experience is too emotional, you can always take a break or even just call the whole thing off. 

It's Not All About You 

Contrary to what porn will make you believe, you are not the subject of desire in a threeway. Unless you're engaging in worship play (I whole different category), the pleasure is achieved through the shared act of intercourse. 

So if your a 'bro'  hoping to hook up with two babes that will worship your every move, you will most likely be very disappointed. Each person in the equation as there own set of desires and turn-on's, with the task of exploring everyone's pleasure buttons being the enjoyable part of threesomes. You will have to contribute actively and be willing to explore parts of the sexual realm you find unfamiliar. 

Some of the time, you might be flying solo while your companions share a moment. Don't feel the need to muscle your way between them, so to be, always involved. Let the interaction develope naturally. Sometime you will be the hero, and other times, you will be a spectator; it's all apart of the process.

You Will Be Overstimulated 

This one is more for guys as I have no idea how easily women are stimulated during sex, but judging by what my female friends tell me, unfortunately, overstimulation is a rarity.

When you are in the moment of sexual engagement, and the fires of passion are flaring, you will, at times, find your self becoming very overstimulated, especially if it is one of your first threeway encounters. It is entirely reasonable, and don't feel inadequate if you peek early, there is a lot of heat in the room. If you feel as if the pressure is reaching a limit, take a breather and cool off before jumping back in. After all, your partners have each other to keep themselves preoccupied. 

You Are Going to be Bored

How could you possibly be bored during a threesome? Realistically you can. As mentioned earlier, at times, you're a spectator to sexual interaction. While this may seem attractive, it can be a little boring to watch overs go-at-it. But like is said earlier, it's the act of sharing pleasure that makes threeways truly enjoyable. If your companions on the journey are in a heated moment and you find your self a little underwhelmed,  DO NOT throw your self in the mix to kill your boredom. It's not your moment to shine; that will come, don't worry. Entertain your self for a while and enjoy the show. 

The Logistics of a Threeway.

All this talk of hooking up and desire may have you flustered and ready to message a few acquaintances to plan your next sexual journey. But I feel it's my duty to discuss the more challenging components of executing a threeway.

Threesomes are often spontaneous because planning a threeway is difficult. If you're a grown adult that is working in the real world and managing the ins and outs of daily life, your schedule is most likely very packed. It's hard enough to find time to meet your fuck buddy, without adding another schedule to the mix. The planning of a threeway can often feel like you need an assistant to sit down and figure out the gaps in everyone's calendars and organize a location that suits all parties. Alignment in schedules is rare. I won't lie to you, it is a challenge to plan a threesome, and this is why so many of my threeway experiences have been in the moment. Don't be discouraged; you can successfully plan a threeway, I definitely have, but if the opportunity arises and you're not crossing any boundaries, then seize the moment.  

Picture this; You have finally planned your threeway experience; everyone involved has discussed what will happen, and you're all excited. You meet, chat, have a glass of wine, and then head to the bedroom. You're in the heat of the moment when you cop a foot to the face that sends you flying across the bed.

The flying across the bed is dramatic, but one of the realities of having a threeway is there are a lot of limbs involved. Limbs and bodies don't always fit together when the equation equals three. Have some humility in the art of threesomes, as you might twist an arm, have a foot to the face, or have to readjust a position to avoid pretzeling your body.  As long as everyone can laugh it off, it won't matter.

Threeways can be an amazing, heighten sexual experience. You have not experienced stimulation until it is coming from multiple angles. But there are some realities of threesomes that are not always examined in media and definitely not in porn. Don't feel pressured into chasing down a threesome or pressure others into the act. If you find your self in the right situation, enjoy it, but don't worry if it's not the mind-blowing sexual pinnacle you were hoping to achieve. Now your a little more educated about the realm of threesomes; you can feel more comfortable figuring out the ones and pluses when the equation arises.