IT'S COMPLICATED

& CONFUSING

I'm done with the fake smiles and pretending I'm okay.

Subtext: I'm really not and that is fine.

If your a stereotypical gay cliche, like my self, you have most likely taken the time to sit your ass down and listen to the new Ariana Grande album 'Thank You Next'.

A Goddess-sent in my eyes and arriving only months after her drop of 'sweetener'. The pop universe must be working in my favor.

While I am fairly new to  'Fangirl' mentality, and rarely show dramatic appreciation for a pop artist, I found myself freaking-out over every song on this record.

There is, of course, the somewhat strange addition of '7 rings' which is lesser taste compared to the rest of the album (but still a pop anthem if I ever did hear one), which was raw and real.

I'm getting way off track with my rant about how much I love AG, but a song that legit taped into my 'core feeling' was 'Fake Smile' and when I say it tapped into my core. I mean this song completely in bodied my current attitude to the world and my life, it has been on repeat for two weeks.

My point is that AG really hits on an important topic in the age of glossy gram posts and shiny socail media personalities. That point being, that she can't fake the smiles to make the world feel better about themselves. Hun, Fucking AMAN to this methodology. I'm fucking done with fake smiles and apologizing for not being perfectly happy 24/7. There is an overwelling pressure in the world to be 100% happy and chase down your 'best life'.

There are thousands of books written on the topic and podcasts pushed out quicker then you can say YOLO. With success comes the expectation of overwhelming joy and if people in these positions don't express the gratitude they are harshly criticized and shunned.

It's a double-edged sword and a calling card to feed the masses with your happiness. Even with the small successes, I have had in my life, there is external pressure from peers to be overwhelmingly happy in my circumstances.

However, this way of thinking misses an important facture, it's not fucking real. You simply can't be happy 100% of the time and if you live your life chasing a state of perfection you're going to be bitterly disappointed time and time again.

The human experience is not contained in the parameters of joy but fully experienced when a person has the whole gamut of emotions. In the words of Brene Brown, 'you can't selectively numb emotions' when you try this method, you simply numb everything.

In life, you are meant to have periods of struggle and hardship. No matter what social media may tell you. This is normal and needed for everyone to appreciate the periods of joy and happiness.

So... I'm not okay right now. The last two years have been brutal on me emotionally. I have been hurt by people who were meant to have my back and betrayed by loved ones.  

Life has dealt me some challenging cards, and yeah, I'm damaged from it. I'm in pain and I'm not going to put on a smile for your satisfaction. If you can't deal with the honesty of real life then baby, you better get some cotton-wool, because this world is going to be a hard place for you.

Next time you go to judge someone for complaining about there life or just simply not meeting your expectations maybe just stop and understand that it's totally okay if they are hurt or damaged or expressing these feelings. They are not dramatic or hard to deal with, they are, likely, the most honest people you will have in your life.

A lyric in the song states "I'm happy for the love and all of the above If I'm being honest, I done been through way too much" perfectly subscribes how one should approach the aftermath of devastating life situations.

I am thankful for my life and all the opportunities that have come my way, but honestly, I really am done with being through way too much. Also, I'm done with needing to meet your expecations of how happy I should be in every moment.

So if you are hurting or in a lot of pain right now and afraid of really expressing how you feel or scared to state you're true emotions. Let this song and article be your approval to fuck off the fake smiles and feel the pain and all the teachings it brings. Regardless of what your friends, family or society says you should feel. After all, the only way you can heel is to work through your feelings, take it from me, fake smiles can lead to real damage to your self and personality when left unchecked.

Fuck off fake smile.